Entry 24

I hate the internet...

I'm so sick of being judged on the way I look and having random people telling me how fat and ugly I am.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I can't help it. It's just so non-stop and it just breaks me down bit by bit.

If it was just every once in a while I could deal, but it's every freaking day...

I've had enough.

Entry 23

There is something that I just desperately want to tell everyone around me, but I know it would not be a wise thing to do.

Also, I will be taking a break from YouTube (well at least from my personal channel) for the next couple of weeks, I'm not sure how long exactly... But yeah...

Entry 22

I cried at work in front of a whole load of customers! But I'll get to that later...

Ok, so I have finally finished my 1st semester of my 2nd year of University, which I'm really happy about. All I have to do now is pass my studio classes and my critical studies essay, which by the way, was worth 60% of my grade for that class... so fingers crossed... AND then pass my film exam on the 26th of June and then I'm "free", well, at least I will get a clean slate for next semester.
I have set up some rules for myself for next semester when making art, or rather questions to ask myself before I start.
1. Will I still enjoy doing this project later down the track?
2. Will I realistically be able to get it done within the time limit?
3. Will I be able to research the conceptual ideas behind the work?
4. Will I be able to afford the costs of making this art work?

Hopefully if I remember these it will make everything a lot easier

Ok, back to the crying at work...

Basically I've been so run down with Uni and everything and I worked from 12pm-9pm on the Saturday (covering for another girl) which I was rather annoyed about because I was planning to sleep that day. ANYWAY, after that I worked 9am-5pm on the Sunday and basically I was so tired from working so much, and I was standing in the fitting room (I work in the clothing section of a department store) just hanging up on last piece of clothing before I put out a whole load of clothes (which I had just finished hanging and had put on the other wall from where I was standing) and the Duty Manager saw me just with the one piece of clothing and came up to me saying "You're letting the whole team down, your department is a mess and all you're doing is standing there hanging up clothes while everyone else is busting their butts off"... I was so pissed off at this, she didn't even give me a chance to talk she basically just came up, told me this and walked off again!

And just the thing that got me the most of it all was I had been busting my butt all day yesterday and that day too! She just happened to walk passed at the moment when I was hanging up one last bit of clothing and I suppose I must have just looked like I wasn't "doing any work", if she had come along 2 seconds later I wouldn't have even been there because I would have been out putting out all the cloths I had JUST finished putting back on their hangers!
I just REALLY wanted to cut her off and say "How the HELL am I supposed to put clothes back in their places if they're not hung up ?!".

ANYWAY, after that while I was putting away the clothes I just got so upset and angry that tears started rolling down my cheeks, I tried my best to hide it but they just keep coming. I ended up ranting to the 3 girls who worked in clothing and the 1st one I just burst out in front of a whole load of customers waiting to try on clothes. It was seriously embarrassing, but I couldn't stop myself.
I don't know (about to go personal) with me, I don't often cry, infact a lot of times even when I really want to I just can't, but if I do end up crying I cannot stop AT ALL even when I really want to, and for the rest of the day I end up bursting into tears at the drop of a hat!
... although in this instance I don't think it helped that I had the Wattie's lol (haha sorry inside joke)

Entry 21... Yes I'm switching to numbers

I'm gonna lose my mind and sail the ocean, 'cause somebody told me there were cherry blue skies.
I'm gonna fix my mind with a final destination and have a deep sleep upon a sweet dream I'll never realize...

Entry Twenty

TheMysteryChannel is giving me a permanent head ache.

Actually, I woke up this morning with the worst head ache and I kept waking up during the night because my legs kept cramping up. I think that means I'm low on salt, and also need water... hmm salt water?

I think I am actually falling apart, I'm so tired and stressed out all the time *shakes fist at uni*

I want to keep being involved in going ons of the mystery channel, but there are really other things more important that I need to be thinking about at the moment. But I will try my best to keep up. Who knows, if i fail this next challenge... Or whatever it is they are going to get us to do I might be eliminated anyway and it won't matter anymore. Although, I hope I don't get eliminated, even though I don't have the time or strength for it anyway.

PLEH and also GUH!

Entry Nineteen

I think things are going to get better for me soon, hopefully.
I handed in one essay yesterday and now I'm writing my 2nd one (well haha, I'm "taking a break" at the moment). Also, I got some other stuff done too which was kinda good... I'm getting there... Slowly...
Although, I still have a lot more to get done before the end of the semester. Hmm

Just on a side note, I might be getting braces and eventually having jaw surgery. Although, I'm not sure if I will or not yet, but I feel it's something that I want to do (and have been thinking about for many years now)

I can't help myself, I have to talk about the Mystery Channel.
It really is turning out more and more like "LOST", I'm actually watching "LOST" right now, just randomly.
I suppose with their blog up and running it does make things more interesting, but that is, at the same time, just as frustrating because 1. I personally don't have the time to sit around and figure it all out, although I wish i did haha and 2. because I'm in a different time zone to everyone else there are already like a million comments with people writing the same things that I was thinking before I even get a chance. Oh well... It is all just a game I suppose.
I really want to post a theory video though, but I kinda feel like everything I'm thinking everyone already knows, or other people have already discussed similar things on the blog and I would just be repeating it to people...

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

ok that's all I have to say for now.

Entry Eighteen

Ok, So...

I'm actually really frustraited with the whole Mystery Channel thing, like, it was kinda exciting and stuff at first, but I duno, now it's just kinda become really boring and annoying. All the videos are the same with the same stupid hidden messages that you have to go back and freeze and then still watch the stupid video another 5 times to catch what it says, and then once you know what it says it still doesn't make any sense because its all a bunch of stupid random letters like: BM WR ZC RY XV GJ S K K WR BM FH WR
...WTF...
I think it's also partly from frustration of just not knowing what's going on and the whole process of whatever they're doing taking so long.
I have a feeling I'm going to be booted from it soon anyways...If they even do that kinda thing.

Guh, and in the mean time I have things that are actually WORTH worrying about... Sigh, I can't wait till this stupid semester is over, I hate the project I'm doing now, its just turned into complete crap and I'm probably going to get a really bad mark for it, but I think I've gotten to the point where I just don't even care anymore, as long as I pass I don't care what my mark is.

Its so weird, people I semi know keep coming up to me and saying they've seen me on youtube, like people from Uni or people from work or people I used to go to school with. It's actually really annoying, like I swear at least one person each day has come up to me and said that they've seen me on youtube... there where 2 people today at work. Sigh...
It's also funny because I also keep getting messages from random people who've seen my videos messaging me saying they've seen me around the city. New Zealand is too small for youtube.

If you've not heard it already I suggest you go listen to "Black and Gold" by Sam Sparro, do it now!